Covid-19-Diary of an Early Childhood Educator

April 2nd, 2020

It has been exactly two weeks and one day since Governor Scott of Vermont gave an order to close all regulated early care and education programs in the state due to the global pandemic. 

Initially, most people thought that this would be a short quarantine, and life would return to normal. In my head, I thought this couldn't last THAT long, could it? Maybe Families would manage for awhile juggling work from home, schooling, and having no child care for a few weeks.  The day the order was placed, there were 19 positive Covid-19 cases and two deaths in our state.  Just two weeks and two days later, there are close to three hundred people who have tested positive for the virus. That is sobering. In New York State, it is scary. Tens of thousands of people are sick and dying. They aren't expecting the peak of this virus for 45 days.

My usual, optimistic, positive, and grateful persona is being challenged around every corner.  Not by people, because it's just my husband and I.  It is being challenged by myself.  I am struggling. 

As I am two weeks into the "Stay at Home, Stay Safe" Order in Vermont, I have felt a myriad of emotions.  Guilt.  I had to close my program and, I can't open for essential workers. Families are working, and I can't help.  I am a helper.  Sadness.  Blue, very blue. I was feeling depressed one-week into the order—lots of tears for the helplessness. Resilience, I am resilient.  I need to use this time efficiently and not waste one bit of it.  I will focus and just get shit done.   I got the said "shit" done. Realization.  The realization that this may go on longer than anticipated.  The realization that the children will be in a different developmental space then they were when I last saw them.  They will have started crawling, walking, signing, and talking.  Their speech will be exploding.  They will become more independent. They will be using the potty. They may even be getting ready to leave my program for their next big adventure.  I am mourning the losses of the milestones I am missing from "my kiddos." I am grieving.

April 9th

 Beginning week 3. Emotion: Busy. Nervous. Overwhelmed, maybe. I am not sure.  I don't know what I am feeling. I need connection now more than ever. There is a hole I see people going into on social media that involves obsession over the current status of the world, their immediate world, and the global pandemic.  Zoom calls, phone calls, e-mails, Pinterest boards, Facetime, and professional development all are keeping me glued to a chair and my computer.  I could not have imagined how busy I would be while simultaneously not being busy at all.

Keeping emotions in check and not seeing my grown children and grandchild since February has been challenging.  Two of my adult children are essential workers.  One does not have PPE and yet will go out and remove children from abusive homes worried about the trauma of said children from removal and them not seeing her face.  One wears a mask from the moment he steps foot into work to take care of the sickest and tiniest humans in Boston and does his very best to protect them from what is happening around him. One works from home and is doing her job to the best of her ability under these circumstances.  I am proud, scared, and concerned.  I am worried on many levels. All three of their spouses are furloughed until we are on the other side of this.

My parents are 78 and 79 years old.  They are currently living in North Carolina, close to my siblings.  They are spry and not easily kept in one place.  The pandemic is hard for them.  They usually travel from down south up north in the Spring for the Summer in Vermont in their RV.  I am encouraging them not to do this because we know this is not ending soon.  They are at risk, and stopping on the way to Vermont scares all of us. They have decided to stay put for now.

April 21st, 2020

We are 34 days into the "stay at home order.  I have been taking virtual classes and preparing to teach two classes.  These tasks alone have allowed me to revisit my core values. Reevaluate: "What is my why?" I am passionate about children getting what they need. I am passionate that they get time and space for unstructured play.  I am passionate about the importance of being in nature and outside.  I am passionate about helping early educators find their meaning and reconnect with their why. 

I am authentic, optimistic, positive, grateful, and genuine in my love and connection with people.  That is my why.

I still find myself on an emotional roller coaster, but I am navigating it better.  I am acknowledging my feelings and just allowing myself to feel them.  Exploring my emotions is half the battle and allowing it to be okay.

May 29th, 2020

In the past month, I have testified to the House and Human Services Committee, I have been on a call with U.S. Congressman Peter Welch and participated in a call with U.S. Senator Leahy's staff about the current state of early childhood. I've been on calls with colleagues and policymakers about returning to work, what it may look like, and what is needed for supplies.

This week was hard. I cried a lot. I posted something on my Facebook page that was so unlike me.  Appropriate, but not like me to post so much and be vulnerable to social media.

I wondered if people who are detached from early childhood issues are aware of what is happening. Or are they? I started to think more deeply about disparities in the system.

Community members go to the polls in many communities to vote on 25-50 million-dollar school budgets for public school systems with less than 3000 students for 178 days of school.  Yet, our state systems talk about the "bailout/stabilization/start-up grants" that The State of Vermont has given to Early Childhood regulated programs as if they have fixed the long-standing problems in ECE.  Maybe, ECE needs a new system altogether.  

 Here is the real deal, after years of being undervalued, underfunded, and treated like glorified babysitters. There is an awareness by every CEO, actors, business leaders, and teachers know that they can't work effectively without early childhood programs. There was a sudden understanding of what it means to be with a child many hours a day.  It is complex.  Children have lots of big emotions. Furthermore, people have realized they cannot be as productive when they have a child that refuses to nap day after day after day. 

I posted to my Facebook page a post that highlighted how I was feeling at that moment.  The post was just after learning that two campus programs were closing.  These programs have had the privilege over the past several years to have the colleges cover their shortfalls in budgets. It points to the actual failure in our system. I am devastated by the loss of these programs and the ones to come. Post to follow:

“I want to make sure you all are aware of what is happening in the early care and education world. If you don't follow early childhood education as I do, you may not know that it is estimated that 50% of programs will not make it through this crisis. (NAEYC)

Much has happened over the past ten weeks, and it is hard to grapple with how I am now. My usual optimistic, happy-go-lucky attitude is being challenged in every possible way.

Ten weeks of not caring for children, and I am exhausted. I am exhausted from advocating, explaining, justifying, testifying, writing, asking, wishing, pleading, and from many, many hours at a computer. This early childhood system has been underfunded and undervalued for....well...forever

I heard some rumblings about Governor Scott's update today. Many early educators were not happy about how ECE was represented. Yes, we are fortunate to live in a state like Vermont that values early care and education enough to see us through to the other side of a pandemic with a stabilization program.

My friend, Dawn, would say. "Yes, that is great, we are so lucky AND it's not enough." She is right.

The state has talked about start-up grants to help ECE programs with funding for cleaning supplies and bridging some gaps. We did receive the amount for those stipends today. While it is helpful for sure, it is currently only covering a fraction of lost income from gaps in enrollment and the increased amount of supplies needed.

As we all navigate this time, keep in mind that programs are struggling. I am doing okay, but centers and some family child care programs are simply not doing okay or will not make it.

When you hear about the stabilization program in Vermont and the millions of dollars spent, remember that it has kept your program afloat and spread over the many children and programs. Also, KNOW this...many programs are still waiting to get paid. Yes, that's true. Many of us are still waiting to be paid, including me.

Please take the time to research this. Early childhood programs in Vermont are not getting bailed out.”

I have cared for one of the children close to five years (had the family for seven years) is not returning to the program.  He was scheduled to be moving on in September when he turns five.  The family chose to keep him home; they are worried about the virus and have fallen into a routine as a family.  I respect their choice and have loved this family as if they are my own.  After seven years in the program with two children, you learn about the family and become an extension of each other.  I feel robbed by the Coronavirus. Corona has stolen time from me, six months, I wanted to be able to plan our transition.  It wasn't a proper good-bye from the children or myself.  I am so sad.

On the business end, I thought with full enrollment that I would be fine and be able to use the restart grant to recoup funds for supplies.  That grant will not fully cover the tuition gap from one child unenrolling.  It is creating a shortfall, in addition to the purchases of PPE and cleaning supplies.

As I reflect on this with a small family child care program, I am worried about my colleagues who have larger programs and have lost up to 50% enrollment.  I don't think any of us anticipated that.  I am thankful. 

As a group of my peers spoke to a reporter this week, I said that "I am one of the lucky ones, I hope I don't eat my words," as I reflected on having one child unenroll through this all.

Friday, May 29th, 2020

I am getting ready to reopen.  I have found a source for gloves in the knick of time, ordered surface sanitizer, and hand sanitizer.  Hand sanitizer came at the cost of 95.00 a gallon. I have spent a lot of money on the products to be able to open.  Disinfecting wipes have been nearly impossible to find, and when they are found, there is a strict limit on how many can be purchased.

I am not feeling anxiety about opening; I am super excited to see everyone.  I miss the children and their families. 

THE RESTART

June 1st, 2020

I am up early and ready to start the day. I feel prepared.  Four children are returning. One has unenrolled, that space is to be filled at the end of the summer.

The sixth space is my youngest child in care; he is close to turning a year old.  I have missed a ton of milestones for that little guy.  His mama is a teacher, and he will be home for the summer.  I am so thankful for the income regardless.

The updated guidance (updated again in May 2020-see link) that came out from Vt. Department of Health said that if we were outside, we would not have to wear facial coverings if we were social distancing.  I plan to be outside as much as humanly possible. I wanted to be able to have the children eat, nap, and be changed outside.  I created a changing area with proper disinfecting, diapers, wipes, and a fold-down changing table.  We went inside at regular intervals for handwashing and toileting.  My husband had an easy-up canopy for the deck that the children could sleep under, and we could use it as an outdoor play space. On the first day, I simply brought out books as they need time to adjust to just being back.  The first week is short days to allow time for all of us to transition to this change. 

Even though I had done Zoom calls and Facetime with the children, I was convinced that the drop-off was going to be anything but smooth. The new sign-in process went well. Families wore masks, and two children walked in wearing their masks, they ripped them off almost immediately.  As children arrived, I greeted them with open arms and tears in my eyes.  We hugged with long hugs, and the children had huge smiles. I did too, but they couldn't see it. I think they knew. Families now must do drop-offs and pick-ups in the back yard. Temperatures are taken with an infrared thermometer, non-touch while I wear gloves, gloves are removed after temp, I sign them in, and then families and myself sanitize hands. Both the parents and I wear masks. If one family happens to show up while another is there, everyone stays distanced appropriately. 

Before reopening, I met with each family virtually to review changes.  I asked parents to apply sunscreen and bug spray before coming in the morning to save a step for me and also save myself several pairs of gloves required.

Each child waved good-bye to their parent like they had not missed a day. They wanted to see their friends, play someplace else, and gain their independence back. 

Two stayed for a nap, and two left just after lunch.  The two that stayed slept outside on their nap mats and fell fast asleep. 

Early pick-up time went smoothly; one Mom reported that her daughter fell asleep within five minutes of lying down for bedtime.

I would say that the day went extraordinarily well. 

June 2nd and 3rd went much the same way. Very well. All I had worried about wasn't awful.  Probably because we were outside, and that made the extensive cleaning inside extremely easy.

The time factor was everything I thought it would be. It took a long time.

On the night of June 3rd, I sat down to look at my e-mails.  I had received an e-mail from the family who is a teacher staying at home for the summer.  They were letting me know that they were unenrolling.  My heart dropped as I read the words. I was so secure and feeling like everything was going to be okay even though I had this small gap with one child unenrolling, and now here I was with a third of my program gone.  I was heartbroken. I was suddenly in the same space as my colleagues.  Remember, when I said, "I hope I don't eat my words." Yeah.  I just did.

There is much movement happening right now among Early Childhood Education. Programs who routinely never have openings are finding themselves with spaces.

I cried for probably the 800th time this week, this family reassured me and told me how much they love me. I am grieving again, grieving what used to be—grieving the group that I used to have.

Thursday, June 4th

I followed up with a family I had met with in December with the sweetest baby. Perhaps, they were ready to commit to a space being closer to August.  They were looking for child care space in late August.  They chose a nanny share because of the accessibility challenges they were facing pre-COVID. I would make calls on Friday to deal with the open space.  

My day with the kids was great, we went for a walk around the neighborhood and explored all of the flowers blooming in neighbor's gardens.  It is odd to walk by houses mid-week and see cars and people in their houses working from home; you could see heads at their kitchen tables with computers in front of them.  Some people were sitting on porches with headsets and laptops; the children would wave as they passed by any person.  They are missing human connections with other people. 

We succeeded four days of outside naps. Never has this been done before at this program.  Here and there, once or twice a season, maybe. I am so happy that the kiddos embraced this as well. 

The program has a new pick-up time at 5 p.m. that was going into effect in May way before Coronavirus had arrived in the United States. Cleaning is taking over an hour each day between what must be done both inside and out. It explains why many programs have changed their hours to end their days at 4:00 or even 4:30. It is a lot. 

By the morning of June 5th,2020, I had filled the space that had just become vacant.  While I am happy about the outcome, they are moving the child from another program.  I know this puts another program in the same position I had just been in. 

As I reflect on this first week, I am still trying to get a complete grasp on the impact the pandemic has had on our economy and system. Maybe this spotlight on ECE is a blessing in disguise.  Maybe this is what needed to happen to be recognized as a value to the economy. 

The challenges that remain are the supply chain and whether or not programs will be able to continue to procure what is needed to run in the way they are required.  50% vacancy rate is as devastating for a family-home based program like any other program.  It can create an economic hardship. 

The challenges that I have had to consider in reopening is the psychological effects children will have if programs have to close again.  What happens if I get sick and need to close for a period?  What happens if we learn more about how this virus affects children, and they should not have been in care at all?

The aspect that many people don't understand about the economics of a family child care home is that the 50 hours that a program is open is just what people see.  They don't see the hours of professional development spent in the evening or on weekends. They don't know about the hours of research on children with challenging behaviors to try and make better connections, the repairing, painting, raking, and constant upkeep of the business beyond the 50 hours a week with children.  People don't see my husband subsidizing my program by putting up a fence, building a new deck, making repairs to the bathroom, painting the classrooms, and fixing a ceiling leak. They don't see him doing the bank runs and the bookkeeping for my business.  If people saw those hours compounded with the standard 50-hour workweek and considered the hourly, people would see that it is not what it appears.

However, would I encourage people to do this work? Absolutely. I choose to put in extra hours because I want to run a high-quality program.  I am committed to life-long learning and think that I am a better teacher and leader in my community because of the time I put in.

When I think of the future of early care and education, it worries me on many levels.  Family child care homes were dwindling in numbers before the pandemic. In my town alone, there were close to close to 300 programs in the '90s. That number is now 19 family child care programs and 38 child care centers. 

The National Association for the Education of Young Children shared data they collected on March 17th, 2020. Roughly 30% of respondents from across the U.S. said they would not survive closure of longer than two weeks without public investment to pay rents, mortgages, and overhead expenses as I continue to look at these numbers and watch as families decide to keep their children home. I worry that we will see programs have to make some tough choices about whether they can afford to stay open with the increased cost of running a business with such razor-thin margins.

Starting an early education and learning school is an opportunity for entrepreneurially minded men and women who are ready to take a bold step. Accessibility to high-quality infant and toddler care continues to be an obstacle for families across the country. Early care and learning programs of all types are needed, small, large, home-based programs, and center-based programs.  There is room for everyone in this system. There is also always room at the table for more advocacy.

Anyone that plans to start a profession in early childhood education should consider a family child care home. Creating connections with colleagues, network, and ask questions.  Being prepared to open the business and doing the work upfront is essential for setting the stage for success. Create a philosophy and mission statement before starting a family child care business stating how and what children will learn is essential to families. It's important to know what you stand for as a business and a person.  These statements define your beliefs.  Clients should be able to read it and have some idea if they agree with you.  Learning through play is vital to me; I believe this is how children learn the best and the most organically. Children will learn to write shapes and forms as they gain control with fine motor skills; these skills are advanced through developmentally appropriate, open-ended activities that I offer to children. My most important job as an early childhood educator is to help children to flourish socially and emotionally.  When this happens, the rest of the development in all areas happens.  For myself and the families that I work with, the goal is to build a strong foundation in the first five years of life so they may succeed in the next 85 years. My goal is not to make them "kindergarten-ready" but to make them life-ready.

I believe my future will continue to shine bright in this field. I had ten weeks to reflect on my work with the field, children, and families. I missed my work; I missed the in-person connections. I missed the snuggling after their nap each day.  I don't think the Coronavirus saga is over just yet. I am hoping that as epidemiologists learn more and we move toward a vaccine that we will be able to fully start hugging our loved ones again and leave our homes without masks.  In the meantime, I plan to keep doing what is developmentally appropriate for very young children—hugging, loving, listening, and creating opportunities for growth in all areas.  This work is hard. It is even harder when you have to wear a mask and do copious amounts of sanitizing of surfaces and handwashing of yourself and children while also monitoring the drool on yourself.  Early childhood educators are a hearty bunch; we will get through this.

To be continued….

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8/22/2020 They stayed put. I am hoping that their planned trip for Thanksgiving still holds.

Grown-Ups Need to Play Too

written by Ellen M. Drolette April, 2019 following the World Forum in Macau, China

“The opposite of play is not work; it is depression.” Brian Sutton-Smith

I had the extraordinary opportunity to meet with early childhood educators, administrators and advocates from over 70 countries in April at the World Forum on Early Care and Education in Macau, China.  There is something so powerful when you come together with a global group who are as passionate as you are about young children and their rights in this world. 

This opportunity came with a responsibility as well; I was selected to teach on a panel on the importance of Sustaining Ourselves: Enhancing our Work Through Play.  Yes, play.  As adults, we are far too often way too solemn to worry about play. However, regardless of the type of job you have, the profession you are in, the leader or follower that you are, we all need elements of fun and play to sustain ourselves.  Bringing this philosophy into the workplace not only enhances the capacity of staff to be able to be more creative, innovative but also creates joyful connections.

For 90 minutes, my co-presenter from Canada and I talked about the fruitful gains that are made when an adult engages in activities that bring them joy.  The hobbies they may have lost touch with because they have become overworked stressed out and exhausted.  For me, play looks like seeing live music, dancing to my favorite bands around my house, singing loudly, playing board games and lawn games and daydreaming by the lake in the summer.  Our society has become so driven to succeed that many have forgotten what we need to do to sustain the success and passion we carry. 

As parents and caregivers, have we lost our joy in the hurriedness of making sure our youngest children are readying for Kindergarten?
Have we forgotten what playing feels like or looks like for ourselves as an individual? Have we forgotten what it feels like NOT to hurry all the time?  I know if early childhood teachers are losing touch with the joyful connection of play for themselves that surely parents may be suffering as well.  How can we create time for play?

Create time to assess the activities that bring you laughter, joy and fill you up.  ?  It takes two minutes to have an impromptu dance party, and this can be done with your children or without.  It takes two minutes to sing along to a song that makes you happy.  Taking a walk in the woods does not have to have the purpose of getting a cardio workout.  Let it be to enjoy the sounds and slowly walk.  Whatever you choose, do it because it makes you smile and gives you relief from the hustle and bustle. 

What does play look like for you? For me it is teaching adults how to play, dancing (my favorite dance partner is my Dad), hiking and going to see live music.

Play on!

Bedtime Rituals and Routines

Published in The Other Paper, March 2017, written by Ellen M. Drolette

I decided that for this article I wanted to know the good and not so good about bedtime routines that parent’s use and what have been the
ramifications when it hasn’t worked or maybe your child was not a great sleeper.  I asked in a variety of social media forums about people’s routines.  I really got some incredible, sweet and funny feedback.  There was one constant for many and that was reading stories before bed.  This eventually led to the child reading to the parent and eventually to themselves in to their later years.  This one simple step is essential to building literacy skills while also creating a routine and this can start from birth.  Children need consistency to feel secure and safe. 
This creates an opportunity for healthy social and emotional growth to happen in a natural way.

 Many people responded by saying a bath before bedtime, while some said a bath wound their children up and they avoid it.  My best friend, Beth shared this, “My favorite ritual with the girls was ‘happy thoughts and wishes’. We would talk about all the things that had happened that day/week that brought them joy and what we had to look forward to. We did this every night, falling asleep”.  An old high school friend of mine, Don tells me that, “Each of my daughters had different songs I would sing after story. One liked Twinkle, Twinkle little star and the other Row, Row, Row your boat. Usually took three times and it was lights out. I miss those days!”  One friend of mine, Thea with grown children recalled these memories; “I sang very non-traditional lullabies, things like Sweet Baby James and Brand New Key. One of my favorite memories is Shannon calling me from a James Taylor concert and saying, ‘This is for you, Mom!’.” 

My friend Kate shares a humorous look at what the first child sleep routine felt like and what it has morphed into with three children.

“The routines have evolved as the kids have grown up obviously. When Jax was an infant it was such a process that actually getting him to sleep and then tucked away in his crib amounted to the same stressful pressure as what I can only assume people that diffuse bombs for a living experience. If the house creaked, the blanket pulled, or God forbid your necklace hit the crib as you stood back up after a successful crib drop... it was detonation and start back at step one. Once he and subsequently Seamus became actual people instead of crying
potatoes the routine has settled in to each getting a song of their choosing or a story they can agree on from Joe and then he tags out and I go in and we talk about something that would be fun to dream about while I set up their tents so that ‘he doesn't stare at me in my sleep’ complaints are averted. Sometimes in the morning this leads to stories of actually dreaming the a fore mentioned dreams or at worst how the dreams didn't happen but if they did it would have been like this!”  

Another Mom sent me a private message as her daughter is a teenager and would disown her if she knew she was sharing. They still have this routine today. “I sing her a song, rub her back, snuggle with  her, etc.  Every night before bed.  "Her song" started when she was an infant, and would not sleep. Over the course of a couple of weeks with many sleepless nights, ‘her song’ was created.  I was delirious and singing "Mockingbird" over and over and over and over. I started making up verses, and a few of them stuck.  Eventually, "her song" came into being.  It is half Mockingbird and half made-up stanzas that I've been singing for 15 years. 

She knows all the words and will sing along with me or tell me if I skip a line when I'm really tired.  And, yes, sometimes I get strange looks from people when I tell them I put my 15 year old to bed.  And she won't let me mention it around her friends.  But it is a very special time of day.  After I sing, when she is really relaxed and drifting off to sleep, she will start talking to me.  Really talking.  Some of our best communication happens during that time.  I absolutely treasure that time with her and I will keep doing it until she goes to college . . . in fact, the other night, she told me:  "Mom, you realize that when I move out, if I have a bad day, I'm going to call you to sing me to sleep."  (insert heart explosion here).”  This is why we have rituals, so we can raise children to feel safe, secure able to communicate with the adults they trust when they are in a time of need and to create strong attachments and develop socially and emotionally to deal with what the world
deals out.

Lastly, I leave you with this beautiful exchange that happens nightly with a Dad and his Son.

“Every day, no matter what kind of day we have, my son and I end it with the four questions:

Who loves you? - Daddy

How come? - Because I'm your son.

How much does Daddy love you? -
Infinity

How long will Daddy love you for? -
For always and forever.

Been doing it every night since he could talk. Whether giggling or crying, the questions and answers never change.”

“There is No Stork” and “Rover Did Not Go Live on a Farm”

Published March, 2018 in The Other Paper, written by Ellen M. Drolette

Children trust their parents more than anyone else in the world. They also expect that when they ask questions that they will get
honest answers.  Some things are magical about a child’s world like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and Santa Claus.  At some point,
children reach an age and ask “Is Santa Claus real?” As their most trusted, we teach them about the magic of each of these characters and the history behind them. 

In the lives of children, parents should ALWAYS be honest about birth and death.  It is hard to explain, it is complicated, and it is difficult to put into words.  How many times have you heard a young child ask how a baby got in a mommy’s belly and how it is coming out? No, the stork is not dropping off the baby, and the baby did not all of a sudden just appear in the belly.  It is hard to find the right words for tough conversations.  That is why some fantastic authors did that work for us.  They take the difficult questions and make it easy for us to answer.

Parents often try to protect their children from hurt, disappointment, and heartache. Avoidance of questions for fear that they may ask one that cannot easily be answered. However, children need to learn the emotion of loss of life.  They too will have to experience
grieving.  As a child, my first death experience was a classmate at 12 years old. The experience of grief was scary and an emotion that was unfamiliar to me. However, many people grow up having never experienced loss making it difficult to have this conversation with a young
child.

As a parent, my children started experiencing deaths of family members from a very early age. They lost many grandparents, an uncle, classmates parents, and by the time they were in high school and college, even classmates. They also experienced 9/11 as children in elementary children, when the discussion of death was unavoidable, and honesty was what they needed along with many hugs and being available for any questions.  What I learned is that my children have a healthy outlook on what is a natural part of living. Dying. 

Some tips on dealing with questions about birth an death with young children:

· 

Be honest.  Use proper words and don’t shy away from the words “dead,” “death” and “dying” when discussing death.

·  

 Don’t hide your emotions.  Talk about them. As parents, we want to teach children to talk about how they are feeling.  Be the example. Crying in front of your child is okay.

·   

Share the information as soon as appropriate. Don’t let the child find out from someone else in a way you may not have intended.

·  

 Prepare your child for memorials, funerals or other rituals that may cause curiosity.  Especially around burial rituals.

·   

Provide resources for your child. 

·    

When preparing a child for a birth-do tell them the truth about where babies come from.

·   

  Do use proper anatomical terms when discussing the specifics.

·      

Don’t overshare.  Give the child the information they want.  They will take it in small bits to digest and ask more questions over weeks, months or even years. 

As parents, we sometimes forget about what lies far ahead, years from now for our babies. Forethought about how to handle these difficult conversations prepares children with life skills they will carry on with them the rest of their lives. 

Resources to help families and children around birth and death conversations:

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr

Something very Sad Happened by Bonnie Zucker

Where do Babies come From? Our first talk about birth by Dr. Jillian Roberts and Cindy Revell

It’s not the Stork! A book About GIRLS, Boys, Babies, Families AND Friends by Robie Harris

So Your Child Wants to Play a Sport

Published in The Other Paper January 2019, written by Ellen M. Drolette

So, your little one wants to start playing a sport.  No matter what sport it is, there are a lot of important tidbits for parents to remember that will take them far and create a stronger relationship with their child

My children started playing sports young. For my daughter, it started with dance as a toddler that went on for ten years and morphed into
hockey through high school along with field hockey and lacrosse which went through college.  My son followed a similar path
only with one year of dance and no field hockey. He also went on to play college lacrosse. There is so much to learn as
a parent about being a spectator, how to react to your child after a disappointing loss and having realistic expectations from the very beginning. 

Some parents live vicariously through their children and are hoping their children will achieve the dream may be that they never fulfilled.  It
is important to note that according to National College Athletic Association (NCAA) less than 2% of athletes will go on to play a professional sport. Many children can go on to play a sport in college at various level including a club level, but it is difficult.  I observed
many parents who really thought their youth peewee “A” player was going to the National Hockey League.  Be realistic and let your child decide if they want to play a sport competitively.  At a young age when a child starts a sport or activity, it is important to have them followed through on what they start.  If they don’t like it, that’s okay.  However, they are a puzzle piece on a team and are needed and must follow through with their commitment.  If they don’t want to do it next time, let it be okay.  Perhaps it is time to try something new. 

Spectating as a parent can be hard.  My daughter was a lacrosse goalkeeper; my son did face-offs in lacrosse.  Everyone has an opinion, and some are not afraid to yell it out to the coaches from the stands especially when the team is doing poorly. Yelling to referees when they don’t agree with a call or even coaching their child from the bench is frowned upon. Don’t be that person.  Remember that every person on
that field or on the ice is someone’s child. Even Tom Brady and Gronk have bad games sometimes.

Leave the coaching and critiquing to the coaches.  When your child gets done a game or practice, use this time to ask them how they are feeling, do they need a snack or a drink?  Don’t use this time to tell them they did not run hard enough, skate hard enough or were lazy.  This type of criticism breaks down a child’s confidence and makes them self-conscious when they are out on the ice or field. 

Last but not least, do not under any circumstances try to coach your child from the stands or sidelines. I was witness to one child throughout youth and high school sports who would always be looking into the stands at his father giving him hand signals that were contrary to that of the direction the coach was giving.  This child would often ride home with us to avoid the wrath of his father telling him what he did wrong.  His father never played the sport and was not a coach.  This child had amazing potential far beyond what he was performing.  He did not want to disappoint his father or his coach. 

Follow your child’s lead. Sports can be a great outlet for children and a great way to learn about teamwork and friendship.

When the Bad Words Slip Out

Previously published in The Other Paper, August 2018, written by Ellen M. Drolette

My daughter was about two years old when she said her first curse word.  There was no doubt in our minds she overheard this word being used by either myself or her father.  She was quietly playing with her little Fisher Price guy when we heard it.  My husband turned and said “Excuse me?” to her in a tone that she likely knew what he was asking.  She immediately responded with, “I didn’t say it, the little man said it.” So…it begins.  Children repeat what they hear, and they will keep repeating it if they know it gets a positive reaction, a giggle or is even a little bit triggering. I have had 25 years of caring for children to really analyze this behavior that usually begins with us trying not to laugh out loud, but growing more frustrated with an increase in use.

As an early educator, I have had my share of potty words said to me.  They have been used as an adjective and a noun.  The children have certainly realized which annoy me more.  They have tried them out on me for size, and no situation or way to handle this issue is ever the same. There have been the relatively non-threatening potty words. Poop, pee and poopy head at no one in particular. Used in
this manner, I ignore. “Poopy-Ellen” is the favorite as are many forms of the phrase Poopy in my program over the past several months.  After many attempts at ignoring it, talking about it, and ignoring it some more.  We have gotten in snuffed out some. However, it resurfaces when I least expect it with a vengeance, and it is as if the children know it annoys the $h*! out of me. Pun intended.

Here is the low down on what is known about children’s use of language, the good, the bad and the ugly. Please, DO NOT wash your child’s mouth out with soap as a means of discipline.  It is not an appropriate way to deal with any type of undesirable behavior.

Children are trying out language skills, especially in the toddler years.  They likely don’t know what some words mean even though the context could be right on.   Exposure to television, video games or other screen type activities could be one of the ways children are exposed to undesirable language. Children may realize that certain curse words get them attention when they use them to communicate anger or frustration.  Chances are if your little one is present when they see a big reaction from you they may mimic this in the same manner. 

Try not to overreact. Acknowledge big feelings of anger and frustration.  Try your best not to laugh. I have been guilty of this. If after a few times ignoring is not working, calmly talk to your child about words that aren’t nice to say.  If said child is a bit older, it is appropriate to let them know that some words are hurtful or offensive and giving a consequence for repeated use.   

Lastly, some words are not tolerated in some houses and allowed in others, a lesson that will be learned between preschool and 2nd grade.  My son ran into the house kindergarten one day to report some information, “Mommy, Johnny said the sh word at school
today.” I looked at him with my eyes wide and said: “oh my gosh, he said ‘shit’?”  He looked at me puzzled and replied: “no, he said ‘SHUT-UP’!” 

Unsolicited Grandparent Advice from a Soon-To-Be Mimi

Originally Published in January, 2018 in The Other Paper by Ellen Drolette

I thought it would be appropriate to share a few pieces of
advice that don’t come in the parenting manual.  Being a mother will always be one of my most significant life accomplishments.  Raising children is hard work. It is a mix of bitter and sweet, downhill and up, pumping with all your might and coasting to a complete stop.  Parenthood is moments of silence, utter chaos and organized messes throughout your life met with many mixed emotions.

Be a good listener.  You taught me better than anyone that I do not need to fix your problem.  You once told me that I just need to listen.  As a Mom and Dad, you will want to fix all of the things.  Don’t. Just listen first.  You taught me that. It may have taken over 25 years, but, I got it.

Sometimes your child just won’t like you. Parents can sometimes make decisions that are unpopular, especially, when your child is a teenager and just doesn’t like anyone.  Be
a parent during those times, not a friend. Hopefully, they will understand and say “thanks ma, what was I thinking?”

Take care of yourselves.  Parents will still need time to be a couple and as they get wrapped up in becoming a family of three, identity can sometimes get lost.  Have a
date night. Accept the help from your neighbors and by all means make sure that you take care of you. 

You are your child’s BEST advocate. No one will ever know your child better.  You will always be your child’s best and
first advocate.  Never apologize to anyone for advocating for your child’s needs. Ever.

Play, play, play.  Looking back if there were one thing as
parents we would do differently, it would be that we would play more.  We would have just gotten on the floor and played cars, blocks, dress up and drawn pictures WITH you. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are holding your newborn baby too much.  Hold your baby as long as you want
to.  You cannot “spoil” a young infant that is creating attachments to trusting adults. 

When your child asks for “just one more book”, every few days give in.  It won’t seem like it right now, childhood
lasts just a little while. There are only a few years before a child becomes an independent reader.  Snuggle with your
child and read one more book before bed.

 Play outside every day.  I don’t say this for the sake of your child.  I say this for the sake of the adults in every child’s life.  Get yourself and your child outside every single day.  Yes, weather can be cold.  Both parents and children need daylight, fresh air and time to move.  It does wonders for children’s behaviors and adults as well.

Be a good listener.  You taught me better than
anyone that I do not need to fix your problem. 
You once told me that I just need to listen.  As a Mom and Dad, you will want to fix all of the things.  Don’t. 
Just listen first.  You taught me that. It may have taken over 25 years, but, I got it.

In closing, I had to find a perfect quote that speaks to the grandiose-ness that being a grandparent
will be and what it is to every grandparent and parent.  “Grandparents are parents, but with more
sleep, fewer rules and an endless supply of cookies.” Anonymous

Making Sure Schools are Ready for the Children

Published May 2018 in the Other Paper, South Burlington, Vermont. Written by Ellen m. Drolette

The fact is that children will develop best when their transitions from program to program are limited, and they can spend their first five years in a program or with a relative that can meet their individual needs as they develop. “The development of the brain is influenced by many factors, including a child’s relationships, experiences, and environment.” (Zero to Three, 2018)”  “My child is turning three, and they NEED to be kindergarten ready. Therefore I must remove them from the caregiver they have known since infancy because they need to learn.” Playing is not a break from learning, PLAY IS LEARNING for young children.  Learning happens through the rich activities and relationships that have been built over the years either in a high-quality, child care programs, with a nanny, at home with a relative or with Mom or Dad.  It is not where a child lands but more what the experiences they are having. It is that time of year when parents of children in the Three to Five age range are starting to feel the angst.  Kindergarten and now the increasing Pre-kindergarten registrations across the state are ramping up as are the anxiety levels.  Is my child ready?  Does my child know what they are supposed to know? What if they aren’t reading and writing?  Why? It is because society has placed expectations on young children that may not be reasonable for their age. Families don’t come equipped with a handbook about developmentally appropriate practice, and any parent will do all they can to make sure their children are “kindergarten ready.”  I, give you a different perspective.  What if schools choose to be child ready? What if as parents, grandparents, and caregivers we focused on the whole child? Body, mind, and spirit.

Free play fosters opportunities to create with no limit on time or space. When children are given small bursts of times and quickly moved on to the next activity, they can not fully explore an idea.

When children have multiple days to experiment, they do lots of trial and error and sometimes pick up where they left off and continue.

These are our next architects, engineers and construction workers.

“My child is turning three, and they NEED to be kindergarten ready. Therefore I must remove them from the caregiver they have known since infancy because they need to learn.” Playing is not a break from learning, PLAY IS LEARNING for young children.  Learning happens through the rich activities and relationships that have been built over the years either in a high-quality, child care programs, with a nanny, at home with a relative or with Mom or Dad.  It is not where a child lands but more what the experiences they are having. The fact is that children will develop best when their transitions from program to program are limited, and they can spend their first five years in a program or with a relative that can meet their individual needs as they develop. “The development of the brain is influenced by many factors, including a child’s
relationships, experiences, and environment.” (Zero to Three, 2018)” 

The National Association for the Education of Young Children is a strong proponent of play and the value it plays in the role of readying children for life. “Play is simple and complex. There are many types of play: symbolic, sociodramatic, functional, and games with rules-–to name just a few. Researchers study play’s many aspects: how children learn through play, how outdoor play impacts children’s health, the effects of screen time on play, to the need for recess in the school day.” (Bongiorno, 2018)  Vermont’s Early Learning Standards starts with
the first domain being “Approaches to Learning.” The first statement, “Children engage in play to understand the world around them.” (Vermont.gov, August)

I have purposely changed my language to talk about children being “life ready” rather than school ready. Being life-ready means that a
child has had time to play and learn in an unhurried style their first five years of life. Kindergarten is preparedfor students rather than students be prepared for Kindergarten. 

Take these moments in a child’s life and hold them dear.  There is no other time in one’s life when playing is all you have to do
to learn. 

“Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood. ”

— Fred Rogers

References:

Bongiorno, P. L. (2018, April). NAEYC.
Retrieved from NAEYC.org:
https://www.naeyc.org/our-work/families/10-things-every-parent-play Three, Z. t. (2018). Zero to Three. Retrieved
from https://www.zerotothree.org/espanol/brain-development Vermont.gov. (August 2016). Vermont.gov.
Retrieved

Everyone Should Care about Early Care and Education

Originally posted in the Other Paper in Spring 2019 Written by Ellen M. Drolette

Early childhood education is in the spotlight. It is an issue nationally, and on the forefront of people’s minds locally as well.  A legislative bill was introduced in Vermont this session (H-194) An act relating to establishing incentives for early learning professionals and improving access
to child care. There are still numerous people who are responding in social media and to new stories about not wanting
to pay for other people’s children. Remarks like, “If you couldn’t afford children, you shouldn’t have had them.” The fact is: this SHOULD be something that all Vermonters be concerned about. Here’s why.

We have an early childhood puzzle on our hands, and we don’t have enough qualified early educators or affordable, quality child care programs for young children, especially infants and toddlers.  There is a huge pay disparity in the early childhood field.  According to the National Women’s Law Center, women working in the early childhood education field with a Bachelor’s degree are making on average $12.01
nationally/ hour, in Vermont, it is slightly higher at $12.71/hour.  Their peers who work in other jobs outside of early childhood education are making $26.44/hour.  Now one could say, “well, if we raised the minimum wage this would solve the problem.”  However, the issue with raising the minimum wage in small child care businesses is that the increase in wages will come back on parents in the form of
a rise in already high tuition rates.  A middle-income family of four is paying up to 40% of their income to child care according to Let’s Grow Kids. (Let’s Grow Kids is a public awareness and engagement campaign about the important role that high-quality, affordable
child care can play in supporting the healthy development of Vermont’s children and the prosperity of our economy now and in the future.)

In late January, I listened to Vermont Public Radio’s, Vermont Edition with Jane Lindholm.  Lindholm had a panel of experts on the show to talk about accessible, affordable childcare along with the newly developing information on the legislative action that was in process.  One caller said. “You should wait until you have kids like my wife and I did until you can afford it.” His kids were grown. Times have changed, the cost of housing is higher, the cost of higher education is rising, the cost of owning a car and putting gas in it is higher, and not allsystems have kept up with the rising costs.

Investments in early care and education stabilize the workforce.  People can move from out of state and apply for jobs if they know they can find quality, early care, and education.  When we invest in children’s early childhood experiences, we are saving money in special education and corrections later on.  Even our national military personnel are getting in on advocating for investments in early education because they are seeing that over 70% of high school students are unhealthy and unprepared to serve in our nation’s military upon completion of high school. They know that building a solid foundation pays in dividends later.  (No Small Matters documentary) 

There is so much more evidence-based research and science that has taught us about the incredible growth a child is doing in
their first five years of life.  90% of brain development happens in the first five years with 80% of that growth being
between birth and three years.

Knowing this, can we dispute the investment?

Empathy and the Young Child; What’s Love Got to do With It?

Originally posted in The Other Paper, South Burlington, Vermont, January 2017

written by Ellen M. Drolette

Prosocial behavior in young children can be puzzling.  Puzzling for those that have studied children’s behaviors as a profession and puzzling for those that have to raise tiny humans to be loving, sympathetic, empathetic, respectful and kind.  Empathy is one of those traits that has
always made me curious.  Is it nature or nurture?  Can empathy be taught?  I mean….can a 2 year old really understand
empathy? Why is this fundamental attribute important for children as they grow into contributing members of society?

Empathy is modeled over time by caregivers for children. When a child is hurting or sick; as caregivers, we nurture them and hold them
and say things like “I wish I knew what I could do to make you feel better.” Or “Oh goodness! You skinned your knee. That must have really hurt?  What can I do to make you feel better?” Showing children through a variety of ways can help them develop these skills.  When a caregiver acknowledges their feelings by naming them, they are helping the child understand what the feelings are called.  This allows them to have a label for the moment they need to interact with a friend and use that same language.  When they get pushed down and either their ego is bruised or they are hurt.  These opportunities are when the adults can interject and use it as a teachable moment. “Ouch, that must have really hurt. I see that you’re sad.  Do you want to tell Zach how that made you feel?”  The caregiver would then use the opportunity to tell Zach, “Do you see how sad Joanna is?  She has tears. Do you want to check in with her and see if she is okay?”  Children need to feel validated.  Over time with consistent responses, a child will learn that when an accident happens, that they can react in a positive way.

Another popular issue that comes up is around sharing.  Children quickly understand injustices when a friend won’t share a toy they want. A
child wants what someone else has.  The adult can consistently use the same approach and say, “I see you want that toy, can you ask Joanna for a turn when she is done.”  For children, sometimes sharing is about power and control.  I have this. You want it.  I’m going to keep it. Somewhere along the line though, they end up on both ends having the toy and then wanting a toy someone else has. Consistency
is very important, children must know what is expected of them.  Many adults choose to take the coveted item
out of the equation rather than taking the time to get to the core of the issue. 

The number one most important way that adults, caregivers and older siblings can help “teach” empathy is by modeling the skills that they
want the child to gain.  Seeing a person in need and helping them.  Seeing someone hat has fallen off their bicycle, even if you don’t know them and offering assistance; volunteering time to an organization, serving a meal at the soup kitchen on a regular basis.  These are
tangible ways to illustrate empathy in action.  When a child first arrives in to the world, their bonds, attachments and tending to their needs will be their first “lesson” in empathy.  After all, children’s needs must be met before they can empathize with others.  Be kind and play on.   

Creating Yoga Practice and Meditation with Your Child

Originally published by The Other Paper, South Burlington, Vermont February 2017 article written by Ellen M. Drolette

Yoga is not just for the organic, crunchy individuals anymore; as a matter of fact, there is yoga classes especially for children and many
more for adults if all abilities all over Vermont.  There is hot yoga, gentle yoga, funny named yoga that looks hard and yoga classes that will include meditation, and there are classes by the river and on the waterfront.  Myself, I have dabbled with all of the above types of yoga by taking group classes, using videos and my favorite is free flow with children.  I would never go as far as to call myself a yogi or any kind of a yoga expert.  I do enjoy the practice however.  I have discovered that practicing yoga with children is more my speed.  I don’t judge myself as harshly and know they appreciate my efforts.

Create an atmosphere that is fun and stress-free. Follow their lead by keeping the session short. Ten minutes or less may be long enough. As children get more and more comfortable, they may want to do it longer.

Downward Dog, Happy Baby and Bumblebee Breaths are just a few of the yoga poses practiced with young children, children and adults of all ages across the globe.  It is a practice that teaches body awareness, stress reduction and builds a healthy practice of body movement that can be practiced as a family.  Many families start the practice when they have infants doing it with them on the floor nearby.

Children quickly learn through routine that breathing exercises are used at the start and end of yoga. it signals them that this is what we do to start and end each session.  Even if it is just me and one other child, we use the breathing techniques as a signal. When children learn
these techniques, they can use them when they need to calm themselves, feeling like they need alone time or sometimes in times of aggression.  A quiet reminder from an adult about deep breaths could be just the cure if done mindfully with intention that a child
stop and breathe.  At first that comes from prompts.  For example, a child falls and they are hurting and having a hard time collecting themselves.  A parent may say “Take a deep breath.”  This is not something that is inherently known, like just breathing in and out normally. 
We call these “big belly breaths”. These can be practiced on the floor with a small stuffed animal on the belly and the child fills their tummy with air and then empties it.  It gives them a great visual.  I am not sure I ever knew how to fully breathe in and out until I took a class that had a focus on breaths and stretches. Children as young as 12-18 months can start learning how to use these techniques which may be funny and playful to start. Sometimes a giggle fest will ensue.    My preference is to start with the flower/bubble method.  Breathe in to smell the flower (pretend to pick the flower and put it up to your nose, you can get very dramatic with this), then you grab your bubble blower and blow
your bubbles while blowing out fully (again, being dramatic as you get bubbles on your bubble wand.)   Another breathing technique is called the Bumblebee breath.  This is one where a deep breath is taken in and as theexhale happens, a buzzzzzzzz sound is made until all of the air is out.  Try is being a snake as well and use a hisssssssss.

For children that may have a hard time self-regulating, I suggest to have the child go down in to the rock pose; for adult’s that take yoga this may be called the child’s pose.  Their bodies are folded with their legs underneath them and arms down by sides. The forehead is flat on the floor.  This helps with making a child feel grounded and head off melt-downs if you see one coming.  There are poses that can be strung together to create what is called a flow.  There are strings for calm down and energizing. 

My favorite books for young children are My Dad is a Pretzel By Baron Baptiste.  I love that this story takes parent’s occupations and turns them into yoga poses. It is a great way to explore gender roles in professions while exploring yoga practices.  For those interested in delving deeper; there is a yoga deck of cards from the same illustrator of the book by Baptiste called Yoga Pretzels. Little Yoga By Rebecca Whitford is a lovely book for an introduction to infants and toddlers to the world of yoga.

Don’t worry too much about your child’s form, just have fun.  As a parent and caregiver, I find something magical in being a flower, a tree and butterfly even if for just a little while. Make sure you end with a deep breath a bow to your child and a “Namaste”
which in yoga terms means, “The light in me honors the light in you.”