“There is No Stork” and “Rover Did Not Go Live on a Farm”

Published March, 2018 in The Other Paper, written by Ellen M. Drolette

Children trust their parents more than anyone else in the world. They also expect that when they ask questions that they will get
honest answers.  Some things are magical about a child’s world like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and Santa Claus.  At some point,
children reach an age and ask “Is Santa Claus real?” As their most trusted, we teach them about the magic of each of these characters and the history behind them. 

In the lives of children, parents should ALWAYS be honest about birth and death.  It is hard to explain, it is complicated, and it is difficult to put into words.  How many times have you heard a young child ask how a baby got in a mommy’s belly and how it is coming out? No, the stork is not dropping off the baby, and the baby did not all of a sudden just appear in the belly.  It is hard to find the right words for tough conversations.  That is why some fantastic authors did that work for us.  They take the difficult questions and make it easy for us to answer.

Parents often try to protect their children from hurt, disappointment, and heartache. Avoidance of questions for fear that they may ask one that cannot easily be answered. However, children need to learn the emotion of loss of life.  They too will have to experience
grieving.  As a child, my first death experience was a classmate at 12 years old. The experience of grief was scary and an emotion that was unfamiliar to me. However, many people grow up having never experienced loss making it difficult to have this conversation with a young
child.

As a parent, my children started experiencing deaths of family members from a very early age. They lost many grandparents, an uncle, classmates parents, and by the time they were in high school and college, even classmates. They also experienced 9/11 as children in elementary children, when the discussion of death was unavoidable, and honesty was what they needed along with many hugs and being available for any questions.  What I learned is that my children have a healthy outlook on what is a natural part of living. Dying. 

Some tips on dealing with questions about birth an death with young children:

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Be honest.  Use proper words and don’t shy away from the words “dead,” “death” and “dying” when discussing death.

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 Don’t hide your emotions.  Talk about them. As parents, we want to teach children to talk about how they are feeling.  Be the example. Crying in front of your child is okay.

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Share the information as soon as appropriate. Don’t let the child find out from someone else in a way you may not have intended.

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 Prepare your child for memorials, funerals or other rituals that may cause curiosity.  Especially around burial rituals.

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Provide resources for your child. 

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When preparing a child for a birth-do tell them the truth about where babies come from.

·   

  Do use proper anatomical terms when discussing the specifics.

·      

Don’t overshare.  Give the child the information they want.  They will take it in small bits to digest and ask more questions over weeks, months or even years. 

As parents, we sometimes forget about what lies far ahead, years from now for our babies. Forethought about how to handle these difficult conversations prepares children with life skills they will carry on with them the rest of their lives. 

Resources to help families and children around birth and death conversations:

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr

Something very Sad Happened by Bonnie Zucker

Where do Babies come From? Our first talk about birth by Dr. Jillian Roberts and Cindy Revell

It’s not the Stork! A book About GIRLS, Boys, Babies, Families AND Friends by Robie Harris

Unsolicited Grandparent Advice from a Soon-To-Be Mimi

Originally Published in January, 2018 in The Other Paper by Ellen Drolette

I thought it would be appropriate to share a few pieces of
advice that don’t come in the parenting manual.  Being a mother will always be one of my most significant life accomplishments.  Raising children is hard work. It is a mix of bitter and sweet, downhill and up, pumping with all your might and coasting to a complete stop.  Parenthood is moments of silence, utter chaos and organized messes throughout your life met with many mixed emotions.

Be a good listener.  You taught me better than anyone that I do not need to fix your problem.  You once told me that I just need to listen.  As a Mom and Dad, you will want to fix all of the things.  Don’t. Just listen first.  You taught me that. It may have taken over 25 years, but, I got it.

Sometimes your child just won’t like you. Parents can sometimes make decisions that are unpopular, especially, when your child is a teenager and just doesn’t like anyone.  Be
a parent during those times, not a friend. Hopefully, they will understand and say “thanks ma, what was I thinking?”

Take care of yourselves.  Parents will still need time to be a couple and as they get wrapped up in becoming a family of three, identity can sometimes get lost.  Have a
date night. Accept the help from your neighbors and by all means make sure that you take care of you. 

You are your child’s BEST advocate. No one will ever know your child better.  You will always be your child’s best and
first advocate.  Never apologize to anyone for advocating for your child’s needs. Ever.

Play, play, play.  Looking back if there were one thing as
parents we would do differently, it would be that we would play more.  We would have just gotten on the floor and played cars, blocks, dress up and drawn pictures WITH you. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are holding your newborn baby too much.  Hold your baby as long as you want
to.  You cannot “spoil” a young infant that is creating attachments to trusting adults. 

When your child asks for “just one more book”, every few days give in.  It won’t seem like it right now, childhood
lasts just a little while. There are only a few years before a child becomes an independent reader.  Snuggle with your
child and read one more book before bed.

 Play outside every day.  I don’t say this for the sake of your child.  I say this for the sake of the adults in every child’s life.  Get yourself and your child outside every single day.  Yes, weather can be cold.  Both parents and children need daylight, fresh air and time to move.  It does wonders for children’s behaviors and adults as well.

Be a good listener.  You taught me better than
anyone that I do not need to fix your problem. 
You once told me that I just need to listen.  As a Mom and Dad, you will want to fix all of the things.  Don’t. 
Just listen first.  You taught me that. It may have taken over 25 years, but, I got it.

In closing, I had to find a perfect quote that speaks to the grandiose-ness that being a grandparent
will be and what it is to every grandparent and parent.  “Grandparents are parents, but with more
sleep, fewer rules and an endless supply of cookies.” Anonymous

Everyone Should Care about Early Care and Education

Originally posted in the Other Paper in Spring 2019 Written by Ellen M. Drolette

Early childhood education is in the spotlight. It is an issue nationally, and on the forefront of people’s minds locally as well.  A legislative bill was introduced in Vermont this session (H-194) An act relating to establishing incentives for early learning professionals and improving access
to child care. There are still numerous people who are responding in social media and to new stories about not wanting
to pay for other people’s children. Remarks like, “If you couldn’t afford children, you shouldn’t have had them.” The fact is: this SHOULD be something that all Vermonters be concerned about. Here’s why.

We have an early childhood puzzle on our hands, and we don’t have enough qualified early educators or affordable, quality child care programs for young children, especially infants and toddlers.  There is a huge pay disparity in the early childhood field.  According to the National Women’s Law Center, women working in the early childhood education field with a Bachelor’s degree are making on average $12.01
nationally/ hour, in Vermont, it is slightly higher at $12.71/hour.  Their peers who work in other jobs outside of early childhood education are making $26.44/hour.  Now one could say, “well, if we raised the minimum wage this would solve the problem.”  However, the issue with raising the minimum wage in small child care businesses is that the increase in wages will come back on parents in the form of
a rise in already high tuition rates.  A middle-income family of four is paying up to 40% of their income to child care according to Let’s Grow Kids. (Let’s Grow Kids is a public awareness and engagement campaign about the important role that high-quality, affordable
child care can play in supporting the healthy development of Vermont’s children and the prosperity of our economy now and in the future.)

In late January, I listened to Vermont Public Radio’s, Vermont Edition with Jane Lindholm.  Lindholm had a panel of experts on the show to talk about accessible, affordable childcare along with the newly developing information on the legislative action that was in process.  One caller said. “You should wait until you have kids like my wife and I did until you can afford it.” His kids were grown. Times have changed, the cost of housing is higher, the cost of higher education is rising, the cost of owning a car and putting gas in it is higher, and not allsystems have kept up with the rising costs.

Investments in early care and education stabilize the workforce.  People can move from out of state and apply for jobs if they know they can find quality, early care, and education.  When we invest in children’s early childhood experiences, we are saving money in special education and corrections later on.  Even our national military personnel are getting in on advocating for investments in early education because they are seeing that over 70% of high school students are unhealthy and unprepared to serve in our nation’s military upon completion of high school. They know that building a solid foundation pays in dividends later.  (No Small Matters documentary) 

There is so much more evidence-based research and science that has taught us about the incredible growth a child is doing in
their first five years of life.  90% of brain development happens in the first five years with 80% of that growth being
between birth and three years.

Knowing this, can we dispute the investment?