“There is No Stork” and “Rover Did Not Go Live on a Farm”

Published March, 2018 in The Other Paper, written by Ellen M. Drolette

Children trust their parents more than anyone else in the world. They also expect that when they ask questions that they will get
honest answers.  Some things are magical about a child’s world like the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and Santa Claus.  At some point,
children reach an age and ask “Is Santa Claus real?” As their most trusted, we teach them about the magic of each of these characters and the history behind them. 

In the lives of children, parents should ALWAYS be honest about birth and death.  It is hard to explain, it is complicated, and it is difficult to put into words.  How many times have you heard a young child ask how a baby got in a mommy’s belly and how it is coming out? No, the stork is not dropping off the baby, and the baby did not all of a sudden just appear in the belly.  It is hard to find the right words for tough conversations.  That is why some fantastic authors did that work for us.  They take the difficult questions and make it easy for us to answer.

Parents often try to protect their children from hurt, disappointment, and heartache. Avoidance of questions for fear that they may ask one that cannot easily be answered. However, children need to learn the emotion of loss of life.  They too will have to experience
grieving.  As a child, my first death experience was a classmate at 12 years old. The experience of grief was scary and an emotion that was unfamiliar to me. However, many people grow up having never experienced loss making it difficult to have this conversation with a young
child.

As a parent, my children started experiencing deaths of family members from a very early age. They lost many grandparents, an uncle, classmates parents, and by the time they were in high school and college, even classmates. They also experienced 9/11 as children in elementary children, when the discussion of death was unavoidable, and honesty was what they needed along with many hugs and being available for any questions.  What I learned is that my children have a healthy outlook on what is a natural part of living. Dying. 

Some tips on dealing with questions about birth an death with young children:

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Be honest.  Use proper words and don’t shy away from the words “dead,” “death” and “dying” when discussing death.

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 Don’t hide your emotions.  Talk about them. As parents, we want to teach children to talk about how they are feeling.  Be the example. Crying in front of your child is okay.

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Share the information as soon as appropriate. Don’t let the child find out from someone else in a way you may not have intended.

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 Prepare your child for memorials, funerals or other rituals that may cause curiosity.  Especially around burial rituals.

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Provide resources for your child. 

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When preparing a child for a birth-do tell them the truth about where babies come from.

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  Do use proper anatomical terms when discussing the specifics.

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Don’t overshare.  Give the child the information they want.  They will take it in small bits to digest and ask more questions over weeks, months or even years. 

As parents, we sometimes forget about what lies far ahead, years from now for our babies. Forethought about how to handle these difficult conversations prepares children with life skills they will carry on with them the rest of their lives. 

Resources to help families and children around birth and death conversations:

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr

Something very Sad Happened by Bonnie Zucker

Where do Babies come From? Our first talk about birth by Dr. Jillian Roberts and Cindy Revell

It’s not the Stork! A book About GIRLS, Boys, Babies, Families AND Friends by Robie Harris

Empathy and the Young Child; What’s Love Got to do With It?

Originally posted in The Other Paper, South Burlington, Vermont, January 2017

written by Ellen M. Drolette

Prosocial behavior in young children can be puzzling.  Puzzling for those that have studied children’s behaviors as a profession and puzzling for those that have to raise tiny humans to be loving, sympathetic, empathetic, respectful and kind.  Empathy is one of those traits that has
always made me curious.  Is it nature or nurture?  Can empathy be taught?  I mean….can a 2 year old really understand
empathy? Why is this fundamental attribute important for children as they grow into contributing members of society?

Empathy is modeled over time by caregivers for children. When a child is hurting or sick; as caregivers, we nurture them and hold them
and say things like “I wish I knew what I could do to make you feel better.” Or “Oh goodness! You skinned your knee. That must have really hurt?  What can I do to make you feel better?” Showing children through a variety of ways can help them develop these skills.  When a caregiver acknowledges their feelings by naming them, they are helping the child understand what the feelings are called.  This allows them to have a label for the moment they need to interact with a friend and use that same language.  When they get pushed down and either their ego is bruised or they are hurt.  These opportunities are when the adults can interject and use it as a teachable moment. “Ouch, that must have really hurt. I see that you’re sad.  Do you want to tell Zach how that made you feel?”  The caregiver would then use the opportunity to tell Zach, “Do you see how sad Joanna is?  She has tears. Do you want to check in with her and see if she is okay?”  Children need to feel validated.  Over time with consistent responses, a child will learn that when an accident happens, that they can react in a positive way.

Another popular issue that comes up is around sharing.  Children quickly understand injustices when a friend won’t share a toy they want. A
child wants what someone else has.  The adult can consistently use the same approach and say, “I see you want that toy, can you ask Joanna for a turn when she is done.”  For children, sometimes sharing is about power and control.  I have this. You want it.  I’m going to keep it. Somewhere along the line though, they end up on both ends having the toy and then wanting a toy someone else has. Consistency
is very important, children must know what is expected of them.  Many adults choose to take the coveted item
out of the equation rather than taking the time to get to the core of the issue. 

The number one most important way that adults, caregivers and older siblings can help “teach” empathy is by modeling the skills that they
want the child to gain.  Seeing a person in need and helping them.  Seeing someone hat has fallen off their bicycle, even if you don’t know them and offering assistance; volunteering time to an organization, serving a meal at the soup kitchen on a regular basis.  These are
tangible ways to illustrate empathy in action.  When a child first arrives in to the world, their bonds, attachments and tending to their needs will be their first “lesson” in empathy.  After all, children’s needs must be met before they can empathize with others.  Be kind and play on.